:-)

I've found some answers at last! What a relief...

Impermanence

Every time I make a conscious decision to write something here, I realize I'm not quite the same person who has written the previous thought. That gives me an awkward sensation of regret for having posted all these posts, for many of them no longer reflect who I am. But come to think of it, what is there that never changes anyway? There is no such thing as a permanet "status quo"; we all know this. The tricky part is to accept and learn to live with it.

My Inner Voice

There are instances when I clearly hear the wise voice of intuition but not always do I follow it, especially when it warns me about people. As defined by the online Cambridge dictionary, intuition is "an ability to understand or know something immediately without needing to think about it, learn it or discover it by using reason." I often get a good sense of a person's character just by analyzing how good they make me feel. The trouble comes when I feel sick or uncomfortable around someone. Deep inside, I know that those are STAY-AWAY signs, but because I've been trained to see goodness in all, I ignore them and try to erase the warnings from my mind - isn't everyone supposed to be a great human being after all? Well, so it is said. And I believe it. But if that is indeed the case, how can one explain our coming across great, good, average, bad and horrible people? (The scale is oversimplified, but I think you get the point).

*

The only explanation I can find is that each one of us is on a stage of development; I'm not referring to intellectual, financial or social aspects, but to the development of humanness. Some seem not to give this as much thought as they would unconsciously do to their appearance.

*

This is not meant to be judgmental criticism; as I've just mentioned, we are all on the same road - but not necessarily at the same kilometer sign. While some have just started driving, others are already half way down the highway. Thinking of all this, I guess my intuition does not attempt to determine who is "bad" (or "good") but rather, it identifies those who are stuck too many kilometer signs behind me. I suppose there is a concern that I would slow down more than it is recommendable. Or healthy.

It's time...

...for round 2. Bring it on, 'cause I am ready!

Magic

One who tries to rationalize magic has most likely never experienced it.

Listening

Few people truly listen and even fewer are eager to listen.

Happily Confused

Ever since my departure from Chicago - ok, perhaps three moths prior to that - I have posted nothing but melancholic, desperate, I-don't-know-what-the-heck-is-gonna-happen kind of thoughts. Could I keep doing that? Sure! Complaining and feeling sorry for myself feels consolingly good. It's like eating bitter-sweet chocolate...It's not chocolate milk, but it's not sugarless cocoa either.

I've been away for two years and now I find myself back "to the ground." Do I feel weird and out of place? Absolutely. Well, having acknowledged those feelings, I guess I have to make a conscious choice from this point on: Should I just complain and grunt and cry, or should I try to find a positive aspect to all this? I think I'd better choose the last one, I can't afford to be a hypocrite.*

Let's see...hm...hold on...Ah! I think I got it.

IF I actually didn't feel weird and lost, than THAT would be a good reason for me to feel depressed; it would be a sign that I am still the same girl. Think about it: If the feeling of weirdness exists, it's not because the environment I came back to has become drastically different - I am the one who has changed (and boy, have I changed!)

An actual (American) revolution took place within me in the 24 months I spent abroad. I've been insisting on dreading its natural consequences, but not anymore. I have just realized that the best thing to do is accept the mixed feelings and give myself full permission to be happily confused.

*For those of you who don't know, I've been an advocate of positive thinking for a long while.

My Dad

He's always right. Sometimes I can't stand his spiritual wisdom, for it shows me how much of it I lack. For instance, I have much more difficulty practicing what he seems to have mastered with unbearable perfection: "Be honest, be humble, be good, and treat all people with kindness." Easy stuff, right? Well, not really. It would have been easier if I had heard that from the Pope or Madre Teresa. I can't tell my dad "Sorry, I'm only human, I'm not perfect" (which I would otherwise have thought of as perfectly acceptable excuses). It is hard to ignore, without feeling guilty, a father who actually practices what he preaches. That was easier to do when I was a kid; I would listen to him but I wouldn't digest the information. Still, all of that must have managed to go right to my unconscious mind: that's the only explanation I have for the kind of thought processing I've come to develop. Strong morals have been guiding me all along and at the same time, making me feel abnormal in a world where immorality and relativity have become synonymous.

It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. It is true that there were times I wished I had been raised in an ordinary way for the sake of feeling normal, but that's no longer the case. I am extremely fortunate and grateful for being my father's daughter.

Thanks Pa!

1 months and a couple of weeks

Things have been getting better...

I hope that's a tendency rather than an illusion.

Two weeks...

...and I still feel slightly out of place.

The night before yesterday I had a nightmare. I was hurriedly packing my stuff. I was anxious and worried and sad. I was leaving Chicago. Again! As if leaving once hadn't been painful enough.

This night I had a dream I kept wishing wasn't just a dream - I had gone back to Chicago to visit my host family. I remember clearly being in a living room, watching a movie with Ray, Aaron and Jordan. I was so happy to be there with them, that when I woke up, I refused to let that dream drift away, and went back to sleeping.

I miss them and it hurts.

After two years...

I'm back.

I'm back, and I feel like a foreigner.
I'm back, and I feel as if I had never left.
I'm back, and I wish I was where I was before.
I'm back, and I am happy to be here.
I'm back, and I'm nostalgic about the past.
I'm back, and I'm excited about the future.


I'm back. May life be good.

Help!

Dear God,

How should I interpret the signs around me?

I was admitted at an American university but did not get a scholarship. Is that a sign that I should keep trying or that I should forget about it?

Then, there is the back up plan. I've got three months to study and then start applying for Brazilian public universities. Because I only have three months, should I apply for the course which equals higher chances of admission (letras na USP) or should I go for the ambitious - political science at Unb?

The fact that I'm not tied to a college yet - is that a sign that I should dare to be and do what many would deem as crazy or irresponssible? Is this a perfect moment for me to go to India and seek espiritual enlightment? Should I do it before the voice of society convinces me that I'm not being reasonable or should I simply not challenge the dictatorship of common sense?

God, if you happen to be reading this, would you be kind enough to leave a comment? Thank you.

And time goes by...

July 10th. How come today's already today?

Two years ago, on this very date, I left Sao Paulo for Chicago. Two years ago, at about this time, my nineteen-year-old brain excitedly hipothesized about the imminent future.

Now that I can look back on time, I realize I could have never predicted I would experience what I've experienced, see what I've seen, do what I've done. Does that imply that any attempt to forsee the future is always vain? I don't know. But if that is so, I suppose I shouldn't be spending so much time thinking and worrying about the next few years.

Still...I can't help but wish I knew something about the life-after-chicago era. A glimpse would suffice!

New Decision

So, here is the thing: I am becoming more and more aware of the power of words. That being said, I have decided only positive thoughts shall be posted here. Enjoy!

Posts I am Yet to Post

There is so much to write about that whenever I start typing I end up giving up the task. But not today.

I'll make a quick list of events, people, things that deserved a post but didn't get one due to a temporary lack of willingness to write. Here it goes:

1. Looptopia.
2. Dalai Lama.
3. Saying good-bye to a friend I have no idea when I'll meet again.
4. Chicago's Blues Festival.
5. A group of extraordinary people.
6. Earth-shattering, enlightening and empowering books I've been reading.

I'll come back when I'm clear-minded!

...

Leaving Chicago and going back to you-know-where.

How the heck am I supposed to deal with that? And what am I supposed to do after the geographical transition? Get a job, apply to local universities, settle down, in short, follow the script?

You see, the script is not bad at all. If it were, it would not be so popularly accepted as "THE path." But what really bothers me about it is its implication of righteousness. I simply hate the "it's-time-for-you-to-do-this-this-and-that" sense of it.

I simply can't live a life that demands giving up on dreaming. I just can't.

To be honest...

...I really, really, REALLY like Justin Timberlake's songs. I haven't gone so far as buying his CDs, but I love it when he's on the radio. At first I felt guilty for enjoying his singing so much - it's not as if the lyrics were brilliant - but there is just something about him. I mean, he's got a "peculiar" voice, he's charming and he's got some moves. Isn't that sufficient to get one grooving? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vTcnNOzzGI

*
22. I'm grateful for Taco Bell.
23. I'm grateful for today's lovely bikeride.
24. I'm grateful for every minute of life.

A Teacher

Well, I guess I survived yesterday after all. I spent all night long writing an analysis paper on Francis Fukuyama's "America at the Crossroads" and by the time it was 7 o'clock in the morning, I still had three pages to write. All I wanted to do was ignore the fact that this final paper was due today and go to sleep...But of course I didn't.
*
Today was the last day of my International Relations class, and I can't express how sad I felt as I left the classroom. It may sound foolishly dramatic, but having to face the fact that I won't be coming back next week to be taught by the best professor I've ever had is going to be harder than I thought. I realized it the moment I began to feel nostalgic for sleepless nights of paper-writing. Mind you, I was doing this just last night!

*

I guess all I can do is be really thankful for having had the opportunity to take two mind-blowing classes with such a great instructor; and when I say he is great, I'm not just referring to his ability to teach, his outstanding academic credentials, his vast knowledge, his humbleness - he is one of the key persons whose genuine belief in my potential made a significant difference at a time I was not sure I could strive for the best.

*

*

*

*

Thank you for everything, Mr. Lungu.

*

19. I'm grateful for today.

20. I'm grateful for people's innate goodness.

21. I'm grateful for my state of gratefulness.

A quick note:

I will write a decent post tomorrow if I survive today. Sleepeng is a luxury I won't enjoy tonight!
*
16. I'm extremely grateful for coffee and chocolate.
17. I'm grateful for today's summery weather!
18. I'm grateful for Dalai Lama's inspirational teachings.

To make things clear...

...I must admit I was a little cranky when I wrote the previous post. It may have left the impression that I dislike Brazil, but that is surely not the case.

I’ll write about all the positive aspects of living in the biggest country in Latin America, but not today: I’m in a Chicago-mood.

*

13. I'm grateful for having the opportunity to attend University of Chicago scholars' lectures.

14. I'm grateful for Glencoe beach.

15. I'm grateful for the beauty of sunset skies.

Impressions

There used to be a collection of (perhaps stereotypical, perhaps inacurate) key words that automatically crossed my mind when I thought of Brazil: 'futebol, carnaval, praia, churrasco, 'bunda-culture', novelas globais, jeitinho brasileiro, desinteresse cultural e/ou intelectual, patriotismo esporadico, piercing no umbigo.'

*

If I can say something in my defense, I cannot take all the blame for having developed the above list - it reflects some of the things I was regularly pressured to accept, incorporate, practice and enjoy during most years I lived in Brazil. The uncomfortable thing wasn't much the pressure, but the fact that I was often induced to feel abnormal in case I questioned the dogma.

*

Why on Earth do I have to master 'Axe' moves? What is it with the butt on the TV screen at 4 PM? What's wrong with reading Agatha Christie books at the age of eleven? Are you laughing at me because I'm wearing green and yellow and it's NOT the world cup year?

*

Hence, the unflattering (FIRST) conclusions.

*

Because I remain the same in essence (just a little more evolved I hope), I still hear unconstructive criticism. Not so often, though - I learned to identify narrow-minded provincials from afar, so I make sure to stay away from them when I can.

***

10. I'm greatful for being alive.

11. I'm grateful for having such a extraordinary dad, mom and siblings.

12. I'm grateful for Spring flowers.

People of the World

During the past two years I had the chance to meet people from many corners of the world, corners such as France, Germany, Poland, England, Scotland, Spain, South Africa, Costa Rica, Mexico, India, Sweden, Peru, Colombia and so on.

The foreigners with whom I had a chance to share some ideas helped me open my mind (in different levels of breadth and depth) - I learned of perspectives I would have never conceived on my own, I acknowledged the existence of belief systems strikingly similar and different from mine, I had an insight into cultures I only knew through textbooks...

In sum, these citizens of the world allowed me to "experience" their realities. With many of them I had brief encounters; with others I bonded for life. I have much to thank, for they all were windows that allowed me to see further beyond and within myself.

***

7. I am grateful for being joyful.

8. I am grateful for being determined.

9. I am grateful for being quite a thinker.

What if...

...I wrote a book? Would you read it?

***

4. I'm grateful for having good friends.
5. I'm gratful for being surrounded by people who smile constantly.
6. I am (modestly) gratful for my easy-to-brush hair.

Endless Task

I know I had promised to post my what-I’m-grateful-for list, but as I read it over and over again, I noticed how something just did not feel right. After some unfruitful attempts to uncover the reason why I felt so uncomfortable with that list, the light bulb suddenly went on – I felt guilt for having limited everything there is to be thankful for to one and a half pages.

If I aspired to be fair, I would have to write from now into eternity. The task is, with no exaggeration, endless. Knowing that, I dare not put a final period on a list that demands continuous updating. Still, I insist on sharing my thoughts of gratefulness with the universe.

In a moment of online inspiration, the light bulb went on again – it occurred to me that with every post I write, I can share at least three grateful thoughts. This way, I will stop taking good things for granted (on a REGULAR basis) and will never put an end to 'The List.'

***

1. I'm grateful for the coziness of rainy days.

2. I'm grateful for the sandwich I just ate.

3. I'm greatful for friends who actually read what I write here.

A Choice

Today, a decision was made: I feel both relief and slight panic. The former I attribute to the fact that I’m no longer haunted by the urgency of making a difficult decision, whereas the latter probably took place thanks to the prospect of post-Au-Pair-life cluelessness.

*

Still, I'm happy; I’m proud of the path I have chosen to follow. It is certainly not the one I had envisioned for myself, but I trust it to be the right one.

*

I don't mean to sound contradictory. It is just that, as the popular saying goes, "things [always] happen for a [good] reason." I can grasp this despite the fact that I not always comprehend the mystic rationale behind it.

Green Fest!

I should have posted this yesterday, but you know, yesterday was yesterday and so on...

Anyway! I just wanted to share this picture from the Green Festival.

"At the Green Festivals, we're celebrating what's working in our communities, for people, for businesses and for the environment. Here, green means safe, healthy communities and strong, local economies. Green is the color of hope, of social and economic justice, of ecological balance."

http://www.greenfestivals.org/

There are a few things I learned that day and I will share three of them wih you, dearest reader:

1. Incredibly beautiful things can be made out of Sri Lanka elephants' poop.

2. Going organic is healthy, politically corret and REALLY costly.

3. Green people looked interesting and authentic. (I have to find out where they hang out!)

Lunes

Last Friday I made an informal commitment (but a commitment nevertheless) to stop worrying about what is and what is not going to happen in the prospective years of my life. I had no problem sticking to this don’t-worry-be-happy mantra during the weekend, but that is no accomplishment – it is fairly easy to do that on Saturdays and Sundays.

Today, however, is a Monday and not just any Monday: It is the first day of a week that will not go by without two important questions receiving their final answers.

I guess I just put my commitment on hold.

No time!

No time for sharing highly philosophical thoughts today. It's 12:25 AM and I am yet to start writing a huge analysis paper about insurgent and counter-insurgent forces in Iraq. I confess I am oddly enthused by this whole world-conflicts thing, but it is at times like tonight - nine hours before my paper is due - that I find myself wishing I was taking a therapeutic sculpture class rather than a mind-stretching one.

***

If you've just read the above paragraph, ignore it. As much as I complain, I know that being intellectually challenged is one of those things I appreciate as much as one may (truly) appreciate winter or coffee with no sugar.

A List

After a long below-freezing-temperature winter, it was extremely pleasant to feel the sun’s warmth on my skin again. Today’s perfect combination of sunshine and breeze triggered such a powerful feeling of joy that I decided to take a break from worrying about the future. Isn’t life simply phenomenal – or at least more enjoyable – when one actually lives the present and takes the time to be genuinely thankful for things that are often taken for granted?

This question leads to another question: what are YOU thankful for?

If you happen to be reading this, give this question some serious thought and make a list with everything that makes you feel blessed, happy, lucky, you name it. I have already come up with my list and intend to share it with the universe some time soon.

Inaugural Post

It is with the purpose of improving my writing skills – and perhaps seeing what goes on inside my head with more clarity – that I will start posting some of my thoughts on this online diary. I cannot guarantee I will do it on a daily basis, but I promised myself to make the effort; after all, what day goes by without at least one thought (hopefully a significant one) bumping into our brains?

Anyway, if for some strange reason you decide you want to have a free insight into what I think I think, what I think I want and who I think I am, you are more than welcome to spare your time here. But consider yourself warned: grammar errors might appear.